There are men and there are women and as much as ‘opposites’ seem to attract, sometimes we all want a break from the dating game. But whether you’re trying to escape from wastemen, babymother drama or soul-searching, we discuss if the single life is really a voluntary decision or down to someone else’s attraction…
Kiri: No woman wants to end up alone, but that doesn’t mean they can’t want to be alone for a while. I didn’t always have a boyfriend, and yes when I was young acquiring one may have been on my to do list, but after boyfriend number one and two I needed a bit of breathing space.
I’ve never been one to doubt true love. My parents although having had ups and downs have managed to keep it together for all of my 26 years and I’m a strong believer that a solid relationship is one of the most important things in life but when I was single there was a time when I literally could not be arsed with a man. Wanting a boyfriend when you don’t have one will always land you with a false ideal that doesn’t exist. You can train your mind to believe each characteristic of Tom, Dick or Harry has happily-ever-after written all over it but if you want to see red you will make burgundy fit the profile.
The enlightenment that comes with hark angels and cherubs when a woman realises this after kicking those pinks and burgundies and sometimes even an oddball blue to the kerb is elevating, with ‘happily single’ as a side effect until the ever-so curative Mr. Red reveals himself.
Xi’an Loves: Single by choice, hmmm. The answer to this depends upon whether you think that there really is someone out there for everyone or not. Obviously, there are people out there who are literally batting off admirers left right and centre because of their good looks, but does this mean that if you’re not seen as what society deems “attractive”, you’ll find it harder to find a partner? I don’t think so. I know many beautiful women and gorgeous men who find it hard to find someone they actually want to settle down with, especially with the expectations we have in today’s society.
A lot of single people are out here chasing this perfect relationship, that can only really exist when you know yourself and are willing to work hard for it. Remember back in school when it was really easy to get a boyfriend or girlfriend? You went to a party, saw someone you liked, exchanged numbers, met up, kissed, then you were boyfriend and girlfriend. As you get older, a lot of other factors are taken in to account when starting a relationship with someone, and this makes the process harder for many of us.
We all look for different things in a potential partner, depending on the type of person you are, money, looks, social status or personality can play different parts when it comes to making the decision to get into a relationship, and some factors can be more important or insignificant depending on the individual. Personally, I think that when we are realistic about the type of people we are, and the type of partners we really are compatible with, we can honestly start to answer whether we are single because we want to be, or single because we are way to fussy and have expectations that are simply too great.
Makeda: I’ve come to notice many people making declaration of being ‘single by choice’. Each time I read this statement, I have the urge to ask “Are You Really?” So if you encountered a hot spice who wanted to engage in companionship with you, would you say “No thanks, I’d rather stay single, we can be friends”? In most circumstances, I think not!
What most people claiming to be ‘single by choice’ fail to realise is that choice means it’s an option that you have chosen. While I’m not disputing that there are some people out there who have effectively chosen to be single, these people generally don’t also complain about how long they’ve been single on a different day because their current emotions are expressing a change of heart.
A person who is single by choice is generally not looking because they’re too tied up in their careers or other personal factors of their lives. Some even taking time out of the dating game as a whole in order to get to know themselves better as a person, in effect having a relationship with themselves exploring areas such as self-love, self-respect etc. Thus helping to improve the quality of any relationship they do decide to engage within. But if you find that you don’t fit into any stated category yet still class yourself as ‘single by choice’, you probably aren’t and should refer to the following:
- If you’re single because you feel that the people who approach you aren’t good enough for you, you’re probably holding out for someone who feels they’re above your level.
- If you’re single because the people you’re interested in aren’t snapping you up, refer to the above and accept reality as it stands.
- If you’re single and have sexual partners but nothing flourishes from it, you’re probably lacking in an area or two and aren’t considered relationship material.
VV: It’s all about definitions really, and for women ‘single’ is a loaded term. For some the ultimate goal in life is marriage and consequently the ‘acceptance’ of a man is the ultimate validation of their womanhood.
There are women who are quick to turn up their noses or offer you nothing short of a psychiatric examination on revealing your single status, and let’s not even mention society’s ideals of happily-ever-after; so it’s easy to understand why women are so quick to avoid the social stigma and jump into relationships at the first sign of an opportunity. However, for the more ‘brave’ among us who choose to ride out the singleton life, the obstacles are a lot more apparent.
Firstly, your decision to be single is up for cross-examination, is it really a choice that you made or is it that men aren’t interested in you? If you’re lucky enough to convince the non-believers, don’t let out a sigh of relief too soon because from here on in you’ve mostly likely earned yourself the title of ‘damaged goods’. Surely you must be one of these psycho single women who’s now decided to dedicate her life to man-hating, right?
Once again it’s down to gender bias piled on by both men and women. Nobody would take a second look at a guy who makes it known he’s not up for getting into a relationship and would rather fly solo, yet women have to carry the burden and suffer the scrutiny along with it. Maybe it’s worth looking at a female’s decision to be single from a different perspective – is a woman who’s content with spending her leisure time enjoying a string of platonic dates with men any less ‘single by choice’ than the woman who’s chosen to take herself out of the relationship equation or her friend who’s openly single and willingly indulging in casual sex with a ‘partner’ or two? I think not.